By the time of day, I know,
the sun must be shining bright,
but to me it is darker than any night.
I can’t seem to find a way to pull myself out,
I’m lost in a world of demons, and devils,
of all consuming self-doubt,
and pity for myself, pathetic I know,
it can’t be helped.
There is no control over the thoughts that invade my mind;
the never-ending rush of demons that fill my consciousness tortures me.
Demons of my own creation; demons that now…control my every thought.
The very same mischievous sprites that were slowly…
and now more hastily, draining life from my pathetic body.
Still, a slow torture no matter how quickly they work.
Now, I can only hope the end is near,
the pain is unbearable, and the wait…is the life of one painful death after another.
Asking for help is a thing that is ever fleeting,
almost a thing; a thought that never excised.
Hell on earth is now a truth, having been debated throughout my existence.
There is no heaven; unless death itself is heaven: I can only hope.
I now, instead of asking for help from human kind and gods…that do not exist.
Let me say up front…No, this isn’t a story to evoke letters of support or sympathy from readers!
I’ve put a lot of thought into whether I should reveal what’s going on in my life at this time. My wife is the only other one that knows; I’ve not told other family and friends and at this time have no intensions of doing so but I thought I owed quite a few people in the online world some kind of explanation.
I’m diabetic and have one kidney; I lost the other at age nine and I’m now fifty-five. The first time I heard that I only had so long to live doctors had given me until age seven. The second time was age nine, and the last time was when I was twelve and they said I wouldn’t live beyond twenty…as I said I am now fifty-five so I don’t put a lot of stock into doctors predictions and have not received one of late.
My diabetes was under control, for the most part, until about three weeks ago when my blood sugar started rise and I was unable to control it myself. My single kidney is faltering
I’m weak, tired, sick most of the time, and depressed all of the time so I thought that by putting my feelings down on paper, and on my blog, it may help me sort things out. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the short term and I’m avoiding looking to far forward…in stead I’ve found myself looking back and thinking about how I got here.
So, as I feel well enough and can make myself do it I will be revealing, and shearing with you, some of my life up until now in the days to come.
1/29/2008– Continued on my page “My Life–Then & Now” link at the top of this page.